


The Most Awful Wedding Ever

by silkmoth



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: Established Relationship, Future Fic, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-10
Updated: 2011-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-14 15:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/150795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkmoth/pseuds/silkmoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn’t very healthy for Merlin’s surroundings when the warlock was in that state of mind. He had told Arthur this but the arse had insisted on his presence. So whatever happened, it would be on the King’s head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Most Awful Wedding Ever

**The Most Awful Wedding Ever**

Merlin didn’t have to watch it. He had to be here because Arthur had thrown a hissy fit of epic –kingly- proportions but he didn’t have to watch. And so he didn’t. Arms crossed, he stared at the wall on the opposite side of the crown room, whistling slightly; he didn’t have to listen either.

The warlock could literally feel the King staring at him; but if Arthur wanted him to watch this farce he should have been clearer an hour ago. _Pff._

Merlin wasn’t the only one not paying the proper attention; Morgana had actually managed to lay her head on the table, facing the bridal couple and was making faces at them. And Lancelot… _holy shit_ … if looks could kill they would be by now searching for a new king. Merlin wondered if the First Knight had gotten the same speech from Gwen as he had gotten from Arthur. _Nothing will change between us. You’re the love of my life. We will be together as always._ And on top of that, the real reassuring, _you have to understand… I need an heir_. Merlin was sure at least that topic hadn’t been mentioned to Lancelot. Lucky guy.

Merlin was seething inwardly; he had known from the beginning that this day would come. But right now he didn’t care about logic… alone the thought of Arthur with someone else –even Gwen- made him go crazy inside. It wasn’t very healthy for Merlin’s surroundings when the warlock was in that state of mind. He had told Arthur this but the arse had insisted on his presence. So whatever happened, it would be on the King’s head.

***

The first thing that happened was that the wedding cake exploded; right into Arthur’s face. That led to Lancelot spewing red wine all over the table onto Gaius, who –although he was really old by now- managed to jump on his feet, cursing and banging together with Sir Gawain. Gawain in turn, who was still staring at the King who was blotted from head to toe, couldn’t keep his footing and bumped into Percival who fell backwards on the table with the food. It was quite fascinating to watch, at least for Merlin and obviously for Morgana. Lying now with the whole upper part of her body on the table, she laughed herself senseless.

The next accident happened right after the furious King marched over in the direction of the Royal Warlock. He never made it. In the middle of the hall, in front of everyone, Arthur slipped on _something_ and went down with an enormous loud clatter. _His own fault_ , Merlin thought. _Why did he have to marry with sword and crown and parts of armour?_ Morgana went down, too, without clattering. But she was screeching with laughter under the table which made up for that quite nicely.

Merlin tried to feel sorry for Gwen, he really did, but he couldn’t. He loved her dearly as a friend but today she was some sort of enemy. Nevertheless, Merlin had no evil plans for her at all; his goal was to make Arthur feel as awful as possible.

***

Hissing “stop that, at once!” had never had the desired effect on the Royal Warlock; why the King hadn’t learned this in over seven years, Merlin didn’t know. He just looked serenely at Arthur, having his many years in front of many mirrors trained ’what the fuck are you talking about?’ expression on his face. And if Arthur thought his pathetic look of rage would do a thing to Merlin, Arthur should think twice. King or not, he was still only a prat.

***

After the King had left with Gawain, probably to change his clothes, Merlin helped the still giggling Morgana back on the chair.

“I do love you, Merlin, you know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah, sweetheart, I know. Maybe we should marry?”

Merlin managed in the last moment to keep her on the chair; Morgana was by now crying with laughter.

***

The wedding dance was a disaster. Now Merlin really felt awful for Gwen. He just hoped she had no broken toes in her shoes; she had tried in vain to escape the lumbering feet of the King. At least she managed to get away from her husband before Arthur went down again. The floor was quite slippery, obviously.

***

“Can’t you hex his dick off?”

Merlin, one hand on Morgana’s arm, turned around and looked at the red-faced First Knight.

“Lancelot, you’re knocking on the wrong door here. I kind of need his dick in the future. But please, don’t let me stop you from finding another warlock… it could be fun watching the dick without a dick for a few days. I would have to magick it on again, though. Some time later.”

***

The sudden sound of an explosion somewhere in the castle made the whole wedding party jump, with the exception of Merlin and Morgana. Merlin already knew what had happened, and Morgana who was by now sitting on Merlin’s lap, was too drunken to care. But not too drunken to start laughing again at once.

A few minutes later, some guards reported that the King’s bed wasn’t there anymore; the only things that had remained were some feathers and a few splinters of wood.

***

The next thing that happened, wasn’t Merlin’s doing. Same as Morgana, Lancelot had drank too much and stumbled to the throne, trying to drag the brand new Queen away from the King. Arthur, who also had drank too much and was in a fouler mood than Merlin had ever seen him before, stood up and said something like, “let her go.” It was hard to tell because he was slurring real bad. Lancelot indeed let Gwen go but only because he wanted to smash his fist into Arthur’s face.

Sir Gawain, who was by now the only one sober beside Merlin, jumped between the two men and took the blow himself. The next second, Gawain sat on his arse before the throne due to the fact that Arthur apparently hadn’t wanted any interruption. So now both of them, King and First Knight, were brawling like drunken villagers, hissing stuff like, “You stay away from Merlin” and “Don’t you dare lay hands on Gwen”.

Morgana rallied enough to try to make a bet with Gaius about who would win; Gaius just looked disgusted and left the table. Percival on the other hand wasn’t such a spoilsport. The only problem was that both of them wanted to bet on Lancelot.

***

Before the royal couple retreated to their wedding night –some of Arthur’s knights had prepared another room quickly- Arthur wavered over to Merlin and whispered loudly enough so everyone still conscious could hear him, “you just wait. You won’t get any for the next weeks… er… for some time.” With that, he staggered away to his wife who by now looked at him as he was something that crawled out from under some rock.

 _No, you just wait_ , Merlin thought. _I wish you luck for producing an heir._

The moment King and Queen had left, Merlin stood up, tucking Morgana under his arm. He dragged her over to Gawain, talked with him for some minutes about getting Lancelot in some bed and locking him in for the night. Then the Royal Warlock, looking very dignified in his black clothes and cape, left himself, lugging the still giggling but almost unconscious Morgana with him.

***

After Merlin had hoisted Morgana on her bed, he recommended her maid to keep a bucket near and left for his own chambers.

After getting ready for bed, he laid his head on his pillow and slept the sleep of the innocent.

***

For the whole next day, it was very quiet in the castle. The only thing Merlin could hear were the running steps of servants and maids, probably carrying buckets with awful stuff inside to the dungheaps. Merlin had opened one of his windows; the one that went out to the woods so he couldn’t smell anything disgusting. It was a warm but rainy day, just made for some reading.

***

Sometime after midnight, the door to Merlin’s chambers crashed open and a furious King came in, banging the door shut after him again.

“You….”

Merlin calmly closed his book and looked up at the King.

“Yes?” Inwardly, he was already laughing; he could guess what this was about. The human psyche was such a marvellous thing.

“You cursed me! You promised me you wouldn’t do something like that!”

“Arthur, I didn’t curse you. I keep my promises, you know?”

“Of course you cursed me! Do you think I’m an idiot? No, shut up! I couldn’t get it up! That had _never_ happened before! So you… Stop laughing!”

Merlin tried but it was difficult.

“Oh Arthur. I wouldn’t need a curse for something like that. Had it never occurred to you that your cock had somehow lost interest in a female body during the last seven years?”

The warlock noticed that Arthur’s face went very pale. He had known that Arthur had suspected Merlin would cast some spell on him; so there had been no need at all for actually doing it. And if the King now internalized that he would never be able to have sex with a woman again… well, Merlin wouldn’t mind at all.

“You think that could happen?”

“Yes, I would think so.”

Arthur sank down on the bed beside Merlin, looking at him.

“That is… awful. I mean… what about having an heir and…”

“Huh. I wouldn’t be surprised if Gwen is already expecting. She’s become real curvy the last weeks.”

Arthur stared at him, aghast.

“What? No one could know it’s not from you. You’re lucky Gwen isn’t blond and fair skinned like you, then a dark haired baby would be hard to explain.”

Merlin watched with delight that Arthur didn’t seem to be too disturbed by that thought. Again, the sorcerer had to stop himself from laughing out loud; he knew right now Uther would be spinning in his grave. He reached out for the King and petted his cheek.

“How bad was it?”

Arthur groaned and let himself fall into Merlin’s embrace.

“As you can imagine, yesterday night nothing happened at all. And tonight…it was _awful_. Gods, we couldn’t even look at each other. We tried to kiss and… aw, it was terrible. She didn’t want to, I didn’t want to, and it really didn’t help that Lancelot was throwing stones at the window the whole time.”

Merlin nosed through Arthur’s hair and smiled. They really hadn’t had any chance at all.

“And then Morgana… she stood in front of the door and cheered me on. _’Hey, hey, Arthur’_ and stuff like that.”

Merlin couldn’t help it, he had to laugh a little about that. He drew the King nearer to him and lifted his head to kiss him gently. Arthur sighed and crept on top of Merlin, deepening the kiss. Suddenly, he raised his head again and said, “what if it isn’t working anymore?”

The warlock just smiled and let his right hand slip downwards and squeeze. Arthur moaned and let his head fall on Merlin’s chest.

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t think we really have to worry about that.”

The End.


End file.
